Ineligible Bachelors
We all have that one idealistic, quixotic friend in the group that says, “Dude! We should. . .” Imagine nine of them let loose.
Nine Men’s Annual “Bachelor” Parties.
Fiction; kinda’ smutty, hopefully funny, definitely insulting.
I don’t want you to be uninformed. None of these men, nor their friends nor family, would call any of them evil. They pursue pleasure, sometimes premeditated, sometimes spontaneous. They do not claim the high road. They may offend and insult, scheme and lie, tempt and repulse; but they rarely go against their conscious.
They are wild, but only where it’s already uncivilized.
Our 9 Ineligible Bachelors (their noms de guerre at least):
Wesley the wise guy.
With brown haired & red beard, he’s always got a raunchy joke. It might sound like he’s criticizing, but he’s got some wisdom tbh.Noah the know-it-all.
His 90s style spikey hair and tattoos, this Irish American Bostonian can call out your BS with dates, facts, and quotes. Don’t test him.Bryce the believer.
A 6’4” half black, half Asian muscular stud with a jawline the kids mew for. Women buy him drinks. Pretty privilege has made him confidently optimistic.Cory the counselor.
His yarmulke comes off only during these trips. He’ll talk you off the ledge, but what did it cost?Marty the magician.
A short Asian “below average looking” by his own words. He works as a higher up in Meta, making buco bucks. He loves spending with the boys “curating” social media behind-the-scenes.Sergei the seer.
“A proud gypsy” (his words) with some birthright blessing or curse. The man can drunkenly predict a night’s future.Ivan the interrogator.
Claims to be a descendant of the Russian royal family. Something’s in his blood because tyrannical questions will rip out your guilt.Louis the linguist.
A sub-Saharan African who speaks with better grammar than the continent’s colonizers. How can he not have a silver tongue?Emilio the empath
A Mexican-American who worships Day of the Dead more than the Resurrection. He claims to be an aura reader. He’ll feel with you, but does he care?
Tired of your man answering “Nothing,” when you ask what he and his friends talked about?
Are your highlights of guy time the raunchy stories that simultaneously revive regret and nostalgia?
Give em’ the digits. They might tell you what happened. . . if they remember.
